Tuesday, June 28, 2011


but it's alright now. i've learned my lesson well. you see you, can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Mrs. Maelstrom

Mrs. Maelstrom


Find the niblets of your life that are awesome and magnify them so they push the icky stuff out of the way. Do crazy shit because now is the time to do crazy shit. Shave your head. Skip school (not every day, but hey, if you're getting good grades -take a day off and tell the world to shove it). Whatever the next thing is that someone asks you - say YES. Say YES as often as possible. Quit your job if it sucks. Get a job at a weird, interesting place just so you can say you worked there once.

Kick life's ass.

I've been taking your advice, and I must say, kicking life's ass has been quite fun:)

Friday, February 18, 2011


I'm happy I visited this blog after ages to see words of support and love from people I barely know. It's encouraging to know that there are people in this world who care enough to help some whiny teenager who posts depressing blog posts. And it's funny how someone you've never even met, can honestly save your life with their own story or wisdom, or even by telling you to live a little bit and not to let life pass you by. I admire people like this, who care enough to help someone they've never met. And some day when I'm done with high school I want to help the people who are dealing with the same things I am now, because no one knows how painful it is unless you've actually experienced it.

I am looking forward to a Friday night of epic non stop parties in my bustling city that never sleeps hometown. Hah. Yeah right. It's just going to be my typical Friday night. Home alone, with my pals Ben and Jerry and the never ending drama of the poisonously addicting TV show Degrassi. My best friend is working, my other best friend will be with her perfect for her boyfriend. And I barely even talk to the third best friend. Can you consider someone a best friend if you see them in person about once a week? I'm not sure but for some reason I think that goes against the grain of the best friend handbook.

School sucked today. I failed my AP Calc test, and yet again completely defied the stereotype that all Indians are smart. Hah, that's a joke. I struggle to get A's in high school, I wonder how hard pre med is going to kick my ass in college. Yeah, I totally look forward to that cut throat competition and never ending studying. I hate public speaking. Teachers who make us do that are seriously out to get people like me. I try to breathe and act calm and collected when I'm up there in front of the class, but I end up just hating the sound of my voice and what comes out of my mouth, no matter what I say. It sounds stupid and different than what I nervously rehearsed in my head a million times before, and I end up running back to my desk wanting to be in anyone's skin but mine. Public speaking is terrible, cruel and unusual punishment. I would rather walk on a board of nails for a mile than ever ever ever speak in front of my class.

What is wrong with the music of this day and age? There is a serious problem when Far East Movement writes a song about "getting slizzard". It's great that they can so tastefully describe their experiences of getting totally and disgustingly inebriated, but where did those beautiful lyrics go that the Beatles wrote. I mean even when they were talking about walruses, or shoe shine, or toe jam it was epic. I want Here Comes the Sun lyrics. I want You've really Got a Hold on Me. I want songs where people talk about being hopelessly in love, and I want the music that makes me believe in something. Going to the club to dance, dance, dance, dance; and wearing all my favorite brands brands brands brands, doesn't inspire or move me, it just makes me want to change the station. Don't get me wrong, I love music but some of this stuff is just absolutely appalling.

There are approximately 319028312389827308723 things about myself that I've never ever ever told anyone before, and every day it eats away at me.

I want to walk down the hallways of my high school screaming at the top of my lungs and throw things at everyone; the teachers, the students, the principal. I want someone for once to realize that smiles are fakes and laughs are forced and that pain is the only real thing, the only thing that makes me feel somewhat alive.

I've always complained about complainers. How awfully hypocritical of me, evidence of this: oh just the last 500 words I've posted on here.

I want to sleep, and drift away forever and never come out of that sleep until I'm done with high school. I want college so bad. I'm dying for a new start, a new city, and new people. If I have to spend one more day in this mundane life, boring town, and disgusting high school, I will scream..

Bring on the screaming...

Friday, September 17, 2010


I wish my life was a Katy Perry music video. I mean, how could you possibly go wrong in a land filled with candy, or dancing on the beach half naked with one FINE man?

I haven't blogged in forever. I was sick of starting blog posts by saying that, so I decided to start off with Katy Perry. God, I want to be her. She's beautiful. Or Lady Gaga. Damn, that woman has got some serious talent, and she rocks the raw meat look;)

All-State auditions tommorow, scary scary. I wish I would've tried out last year so I could prepare myself for the anxiety and overwhelming nerves I will face tommorow. But I guess that's why they call it nerves, you can't really prepare for that feeling!

As trite (Oooo oo hello AP Lang word) as it sounds, I find myself mentally repeating the phrase "you don't know what you've got till it's gone". It's almost unfathomable to believe that my best friend is gone. Well not really gone, but she might as well be. Trust me a thirty minute road trip might as well be like flying to China in a state like Iowa. God, I miss her. Way too much. And I'm also extremely envious of her because she has left the "hell on earth" that I like to call High School. I think Good Charlotte says it best, my high school feels more to me like a jail cell, a penitentiary. I am so completely sick of the cliques, and the drama and the fact that I have three friends. I think it's the hardest thing in the world to trust people as it is, but its damn near impossible to trust people in high school. You never know when someone will stab you in the back. I'm so tired of the mundane routine every single day, and I seriously think this place is killing my spirit. It's killing my zest for life, and I want to break free so bad. Seriously, if I had to choose between cleaning toilets at Wendys or high school, I would pick the former hands down, no questions asked. I am sick of the immature people who realize that their disgusting and cruel actions really hurt people. Yes, I know I'm complaining, but something needs to change about high school. The so called "popular" beautiful girls that I constantly feel inferior around and the jocks have peaked now sure. But what are they going to be doing in 5 or ten years from now? Yep, absolutely nothing. I know that somewhere in the back of the mind. But sickeningly, I would give up everything, my intelligence and probably my dignity even, to spend one day in the life of someone on dance team, or a cheerleader. To see what it feels like to have all eyes on me, to be blonde and beautiful and skinny. That's the life I want. And I'm not sure if this is a phase but I would give everything for that life. I mean it, absolutely everything..

So cheers to another night sitting at home alone blogging, eating a whole tub of Ben & Jerrys, gaining another ten pounds, and feeling like I am an insignificant dot in this huge world..

Monday, May 31, 2010

A Letter To My Biff

*For blogging purposes, I have removed the names:) enjoy!

Dear ____, fellow trick, stripper chic member, stove creeper, chilis 22 year old flirter, lover, partner in crime, best frand

There will probably be lots of spelling and grammar issues in this paper. Just kidding, I’m not _______. It’s meeee, _________. Yep, spelled exactly like that. Haha. So I’ve guess I made a tradition (well I’m not sure if a tradition counts if I’ve only done it once) out of writing you letters on your birthdays. I remember last year I wrote you a letter in the IMC before school started. Haha. But I’m actually at home now. YAY, with a new car! Double YAY! Well it’s not really new I guess, but atleast I have SOMETHING to drive. Finally. But I definitely will miss our car rides. They were the best. Somehow we managed to cram the deepest conversations ranging from our favorite subject: BOYSJ all the way to families to school to college to futures into like 5 minute car rides from school to our houses. I have no idea how we do all that and manage to rock out to Miley Cyrus (our favorite person ever no matter what other people sayJ) in that little time. Just some more proof that you really are my best friend! You make me laugh till I cry or piddle (aka: pee a little) and I love you so so much for it. And on the other hand, you can listen to me go on and on for hours about people I don’t like and also the people I do like, very much;), and you don’t complain a single time. And I know it must be hard to listen to me talk so much, but you’re probably one of the best listeners ever and I know I can always turn to you for unbiased and truly good advice, and 99.9% of the time I follow your advice, and usually when I don’t it blows up in my face. Ehem ehem. You know what I’m talking about. Haha. But I guess the point of this is to tell you that I’m madly, insanely, unconditionally, irrevocably (yes, I stole this from Twilight) in love with you. You’re the definition of perfection. From your head to your toes you are the most beautiful person ever. Inside and out! Not many people can be like you, and I admire you for all the outstanding things you always seem to manage to do. From your crazy good grades (even though you’re the most ditzy person ever outside of school) to your amazing personality, I love everything about you. So live it up girly! You only turn 17 once. And I’m just happy that I’m only a year younger than you now. Cause when everyone else has their birthdays I feel like I’m always two years younger than them and it kinda sucks ya know? Hahahaha. Ok well, it’s approximately 4:46 and I have no idea where my phone is, but I’m going to text you and ask you where you areeeee. Okay. Anyways. I hope you have a fabulous day tommorow. You deserveee it love. And I know I probably mentioned this like four times in this letter already but I love you butttttttttttttloads.


My Weekend

This weekend was probably one of the best weekends I’ve had in a while, and not it wasn’t only because we had a three-day weekend (although that probably added to it a little). Friday was graduation and choir had to sing at it, so we did that, and then after Graduation, me and a couple of friends went to IHOP and had a dinner that lasted for three hours. It was crazy. We ended up becoming best friends with the waiter we had and ended up talking to two of the servers there for hours. It was really fun, because we made new friends, and our waiter wasn’t exactly ugly;) haha. It was just a really fun night, because I usually don’t hang out with that group of people and it made me realize how much I missed them, and how excited I am to get to spend more time with them next year. On Saturday, my friend and I went grad party hopping and that was really fun. We then went to Wal Mart and got a bunch of supplies for this project we had to work on. We spent the whole day working on it and it was actually really fun. We found Blo Pens and ended up drawing all over each other. We then went to Hy-Vee (with the blo pen ink still all over us mind you) and we bought Double Fudge Brownie Ice Cream and devoured it. On Sunday, I pretty much spent the whole day watching One Tree Hill, my new obsession and then I saw Sex and the City 2 with my mom and brother, probably the most awkward part of this whole weekend. Haha. But the movie was good, it was funny and entertaining. I just would’ve picked some different people to go see it with. Haha. And today is Monday (no school yay!) And of course, I’m procrastinating and doing all my homework right now. What a good end to the weekend!

The Boy In The Striped Pajamas

The Boy In The Striped Pajamas was a tragic movie about the Holocaust told through the eyes of an eight-year-old boy. Bruno is the son of a Nazi officer Ralf. Ralf and his family move from Berlin to the countryside after Ralf is promoted to commander of one of the worst concentration camps of the holocaust: Auschwitz. Since the story is told from Bruno’s perspective, it takes a childlike view perspective on the Holocaust. Bruno does not exactly understand the serious political situation that was occurring during this era, because he is so young.
Bruno is not happy at this new home, because he is confined to the grounds of his family’s home. He seeks companionship and adventure, but is not allowed to leave. However, Bruno eventually cannot take the boredom and his curiosity takes over. He leaves the house through a window of an outhouse and finds the concentration camp, which he naively believes is a farm. He ends up meeting a boy there, who is the same age as him named Shmuel. Bruno ends up befriending the boy, and visiting the concentration camp frequently to deliver him food and to talk to him through the barbed wire. Bruno is eventually taught that the “farm” is really a concentration camp and that Shmuel and his family were in the concentration camp because they were Jewish. Bruno eventually begins to realize the serious situation that Jewish people in the country were facing.
Bruno and his sister Gretel have a tutor named Herr, who is constantly feeding them propaganda, and anti-Semitic stereotypes while teaching them history. His sister Gretel is greatly influenced by these stereotypes and begins to support the Nazis, however Bruno knows better. He has met Shmuel and his family and know that they are innocent people. However, during this era, and in this country, so many of the people were discriminatory towards Jews. It was horrifying seeing how cruel and heartless the Nazi soldiers and commanders were when they beat and abused innocent Jewish people, especially children.