Friday, September 17, 2010


I wish my life was a Katy Perry music video. I mean, how could you possibly go wrong in a land filled with candy, or dancing on the beach half naked with one FINE man?

I haven't blogged in forever. I was sick of starting blog posts by saying that, so I decided to start off with Katy Perry. God, I want to be her. She's beautiful. Or Lady Gaga. Damn, that woman has got some serious talent, and she rocks the raw meat look;)

All-State auditions tommorow, scary scary. I wish I would've tried out last year so I could prepare myself for the anxiety and overwhelming nerves I will face tommorow. But I guess that's why they call it nerves, you can't really prepare for that feeling!

As trite (Oooo oo hello AP Lang word) as it sounds, I find myself mentally repeating the phrase "you don't know what you've got till it's gone". It's almost unfathomable to believe that my best friend is gone. Well not really gone, but she might as well be. Trust me a thirty minute road trip might as well be like flying to China in a state like Iowa. God, I miss her. Way too much. And I'm also extremely envious of her because she has left the "hell on earth" that I like to call High School. I think Good Charlotte says it best, my high school feels more to me like a jail cell, a penitentiary. I am so completely sick of the cliques, and the drama and the fact that I have three friends. I think it's the hardest thing in the world to trust people as it is, but its damn near impossible to trust people in high school. You never know when someone will stab you in the back. I'm so tired of the mundane routine every single day, and I seriously think this place is killing my spirit. It's killing my zest for life, and I want to break free so bad. Seriously, if I had to choose between cleaning toilets at Wendys or high school, I would pick the former hands down, no questions asked. I am sick of the immature people who realize that their disgusting and cruel actions really hurt people. Yes, I know I'm complaining, but something needs to change about high school. The so called "popular" beautiful girls that I constantly feel inferior around and the jocks have peaked now sure. But what are they going to be doing in 5 or ten years from now? Yep, absolutely nothing. I know that somewhere in the back of the mind. But sickeningly, I would give up everything, my intelligence and probably my dignity even, to spend one day in the life of someone on dance team, or a cheerleader. To see what it feels like to have all eyes on me, to be blonde and beautiful and skinny. That's the life I want. And I'm not sure if this is a phase but I would give everything for that life. I mean it, absolutely everything..

So cheers to another night sitting at home alone blogging, eating a whole tub of Ben & Jerrys, gaining another ten pounds, and feeling like I am an insignificant dot in this huge world..


  1. Men are the ones who create evil on Earth. It is the choices they make which enslave their souls to hell.
    And that's why you are continually reincarnated. Welcome to the Matrix.
    7 billion in 2011. Only 1 billion in 1800 and 2 billion in 1900.
    Population explosion is a clue::::The gods are sending everyone back for The End.
    There must be some purgatory-like place. Or individual. Like an animal.
    Now the gods have sent everyone back to try for one final time to fix their problems and ascend into heaven. Avoiding an animal would have been a big positive because those thrust into this decayed enviornment have less of a chance than those who enjoyed the god's generosity of a slowly decaying enviornment with frightening clues, like the Depression, the Holocaust, etc.
    Anything that can get the poeple frightened and praying is a good. thing. Contentment never motivated anyone.

    As we approach the Apocalypse the gods are removing "wrath of god" material from xtian dogma.
    As we see wickedness spread throughout the country, like preditory behavior, godlessness, socialo changes, etc, using cable TV and the spread of "Californication" as justification, they changed xtianity, appropriatly with Catholicism first.
    xtianity has changed radically in the 20th century, and everyone should be mindful of the way it was, because the people are in a process of slipping out of god's favor into a state of Damnation, from which the vast majority will never survive.
    They used to scare people and make them too afraid to make mistakes. Now people aren't afraid of anything and don't think twice about doing something wicked and evil which will hurt their chances.

    Employment charity:::Was W able to do his job as President?
    I suspect there are many frat-boy types who couldn't or wouldn't study nor do the work necessary so they gained this "benefit" telepathically. This could have been extended to their professional life as well::In most of these cases they don't have what it takes to do their jobs.
    I think employment charity is FAR more common than people may believe.
    Another example how they tempted people in this manner is the procurement of sexual relations.
    Keep raping these poor girls. You're going to end up as one in your next life.

    If people only understood the importance of good parents. You won't be going anywhere without them. And it won't happen unless you are one first.

    Good god says a ceiling on time for everyone (see below). Evil god still gives hope for immortality to these people:::Immortality if you are right versus a couple centuries partying at best even if you change now.
    Occems Razor.
    The big casino in the sky::In the end, the house gets everything.
    Due to institutional evil the closer we get to The End the more evil everyone incurrs (with some variation thanks to behavior) and it limits the time for everyone.
    Probably the children who fix their problems and ascend into heaven too. Experineceing the Holocaust, evil of the 20th century costed them, for which limits are placed. They are not the same as their innocent peasantry ancestors from the Old World.
    You people have fucked up bad by not getting out before the 20th century.
    Just because the gods have to break some eggs doesn't mean they are evil. As management there are hard decisions that must be made. But they used this omelette and sold it to people as temptation, who went out and did things they shouldn't have done.

    Another feature which the Gods offer as a clue is very foreboading and ominous. Mt. Zion is a mountain to the north of Diablo (the eye of The Beast) and one which has a working quarry at its base. Consistant with the decay we experience in society, Mt. Zion is being eaten away, slowly stripped of its resources, until one day paradise will be gone forever.

  2. I wish I had something brilliant to say.
    The only thing I can say is: I've been there. Almost every word you said. I had one best friend in high school, and that was it.

    And as cliche as it is time is the absolute only thing that will change any of that. And, being out of school, I've befriended some of the pretty, popular girls. And you know what? They're boring. Vapid. Empty.

    And I know none of this helps...but do know that you will come out on the other side. You will.

    But...I will leave you with the words my mom gave me one night when I was sobbing on the couch: Get on with it, get through it, get the hell out of it.

  3. So this may sound totally creepy but I'm a complete stranger, fyi. I do a lot of blog hopping during my time at work and I ended up on yours.

    I read a couple of your entries and saw a couple pictures and I want you to know something.

    I was one of those skinny blond girls in high school who always had a boyfriend, hung out with a million different groups of kids and was never bored any night or weekend. But also? The pressure of being that person led me to eating disorders. Once I came out with it to my friends they told me all their internal demons as well. They thought I was perfect. I thought they were perfect.

    People may appear to be 100% confident and collected on the outside but inside they could be collapsing. I'm not saying you should look at the other girls and think, "They must have problems" because they might not. But once high school is over and they enter the terrifying world of college and adulthood things change. People realize that life is bigger and scarier than they first imagined. I did.

    And also? I want you to know that you are truly beautiful.

    I married a Sri Lankan man and am so jealous of the dark curly hair, soft chocolate skin and deep brown eyes of him and his family. White and blond is not diverse, interesting or exciting. Remember that. I hope maybe my future daughter will look like you because you are just gorgeous!

    Be happy you have you. Be happy you can choose to be different from the standard cutout. Life is way too short to waste on wishing you were someone/something else.

    Once again I apologize if this is SUPER creepy but being who I am I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Everyone always has to know what's on my mind. :)

    And to de-creepify myself you can check out my blog:

    Have a great day!

  4. Do you like her new song "Firework"? I do. Makes me feel like she gets me. Then the next track comes on, "Peacock", and I laugh and think, "Geez, what an immature slut lol!"

    I hate to sound like everyone's mom, but the fact is, everyone's mom is RIGHT! Some things you just have to get through and make the best of it. Take your three friends and go have some kick-ass adventures. You don't need lots of friends to have a good time. In fact, a bigger group can sometimes PREVENT you from having a good time. They tend to be boring.

    Find the niblets of your life that are awesome and magnify them so they push the icky stuff out of the way. Do crazy shit because now is the time to do crazy shit. Shave your head. Skip school (not every day, but hey, if you're getting good grades - take a day off and tell the world to shove it). Whatever the next thing is that someone asks you - say YES. Say YES as often as possible. Quit your job if it sucks. Get a job at a weird, interesting place just so you can say you worked there once.

    Kick life's ass.


  5. When the time is right, your pen will begin to flow again like water from a faucet. You can't make yourself write and write true feelings and creativity. And you are correct Gaga has talent!

  6. just came across your blog. as tough as high school was in trying to find your true self... i do miss it here and there. hard to believe, i know. if someone isnt part of your life for one reason or another, you will later find out they should be. take something from every situation because if you dont draw conclusions from your experiences in high school they will continue to repeat throughout your life until you do.

    always remember to smile.

  7. Well said. With the new legislation, people will feel more secured.

  8. You can't make yourself write and write true feelings and creativity./buy diablo 3 gold

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