The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision. ~Hellen Keller~
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Did You Just Waste Your Breath Asking Me How I Feel Today?
Did you just waste your breath, asking me how I feel today? I feel like I can’t seem to do anything right, I feel completely alone in a crowded room, I feel constantly rejected. This sounds like a suicide note. I know, I know everyone has those days where nothing seems to go right, and they wish they could just end it all, and today was one of those dreaded days. I woke up completely exhausted feeling like I only got 20 minutes of sleep. I drove to school zero hour and someone honked at me for stopping at stop sign. I mean really, what are you supposed to do at a stop sign? Go? Then I arrived at school after spending ninety minutes trying to look good this morning and hopefully impressing people and guess what? Epic fail. Absolutely no one noticed. And really, what was I expecting? It’s school, no one cares. Then the Advanced Pre Calc test I thought I was ready for chewed me up and spit me out; AP Chemistry as well. I’m not asking for pity or sympathy, but I’m trying to make a point here. As cynical as it might be, why do we try so hard? This doesn’t apply to males, but honestly, ask any girl you know and she’ll give you an insane hour of the morning at which she wakes up and proceeds to look attractive. And as much as I hate it I am one of these people. Self esteem and confidence, two things I would die to have. I am truly jealous of those people who seem to get away with looking any way and still having tons of friends at their side all the time. And the sad fact that I’ve come to realize over the last 8 years in the public education system is that no one likes you for who you are. They like you for the clothes you wear, and what you look like. Being a friendly happy person means nothing anymore. If you aren’t pretty and don’t conform to the social trends, you will be an outcast. If you disagree with me, look at the many cliques in our school. There are those select few people who seem to dress or do make-up a different way and they constantly get judged for it. In fact, I am one of those people who judges. Who knows, they might be one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet, but how will you know if you can’t look past their clothes and make up. Which brings me back to the question, why do people care so much? As much as I hate to say this, sometimes I feel like the friends I have would not like me if I showed them who I truly was. The person they know has conformed to high school trends and norms, not me. For example, if I do dress or act a certain way that breaks this trend, they will look at me weirdly, or seem like they are embarrassed to be seen with me. And to say that hurts would be an understatement. I have friends that I can laugh and joke with , but in all honesty, I have one or two friends who truly accept and love me for who I am. So I would like to apologize for this long rant, in which I sound utterly suicidal, and trust me I’m not. I could never let things get that bad. I guess the point of this angry outburst was to just be able to express the emotions and things that have been running through my mind all day. I know that I’m not the only one who feels like appearance is the only thing people care about, otherwise why would everyone try so hard? But is it really worth it? Are the friends who only like you because you are pretty going to be there for you when you get cancer and all your hair falls off? Are they going to like you when you get a huge zit on your face? Are they going to like you when you wear something outrageous? No, absolutely not. Unfortunately for me, I have not found many people who aren’t like that, but I hope to some day. Find those friends, who cherish you because of the person you are and the things you do, those are the friends that are worth everything.
I am a total "people person". I can be quite shy at first, but once you get to know me, I won't shut up. I'm loud, crazy, energetic and passionate. I wish I had more confidence and self-esteem, I hardly ever feel beautiful. I love my friends and laughing. I never take anything too seriously. I fear rejection and the death of my loved ones. I fear that life is too short, and that I will miss out on the wonderful things life has to offer. Music makes me feel alive and Sum 41 is the best. I'm a complete romantic, and am a huge sucker for a romantic movie or show. I love Show Choir with all my heart, and couldn't imagine my life without it.